How to Seem Astute and Logical on LinkedIn with a Half-Baked Anecdote

Insert line about waking up early to start your day/being employed at a demanding job (that you love, though (Remember, your life is perfect!))/having some lucrative business opportunity that you’re excited for:

e.g. “I was awoken by the sun today, and after preparing for work I sipped my coffee alongside the deafening silence of the morning.”

Insert line that immediately juxtaposes how you started your story, negating all positivity:

“However, my day took a sudden turn for the worst: I shat my pants.”

Insert line that juxtaposes the moment that literally just happened, re-inserting all positivity while negating said previous negativity:

“Although I was ahead of schedule, this threw a wrench at my day; however, I didn’t let it bother me. I was still in control of the situation.”

Insert line that somehow summarizes the story while reaching for straws at some brainless, mindful bit of wisdom:

“I was prepared. I threw my soiled khakis into the laundry bin and calmly ironed another pair. Although I lost some time due to a hostile, roguish fart, I still made it to my meeting on time — I was ready for whatever life could throw at me. Remember, not all stains are permanent. Besides it all, I still enjoyed my coffee.”

Now that you’ve succeeded in seeming wise and profitable, relax, pat yourself on the back, and watch as the likes roll in.

Better yet, maybe get started on cleaning those khakis.

I should add, there is one another factor that we have yet to talk about: privilege.

Remember, you should be wholly unaware of the amount of privilege that is seeping forth from your post. Furthermore, be sure to utilize this privilege to congratulate yourself, twist your self-aggrandizement as bits of wisdom, and stigmatize others who don’t have the same opportunities/privilege as you. Also, don’t forget that depression, illness, and poverty doesn’t exist. Let’s explore an example like that (one that I copied word-for-word from LinkedIn):

I wake up at 6am.
I stretch and drink a glass of lemon water.
I read for half an hour, then get in a 20-minute workout.
I take a cold shower, drink a protein shake and brush my teeth.
On my way to work, I listen to a podcast.
In the office, I dig deep into my creative flow.
I get tons of work done and reach my goals.
On the way back home, I call my dad and do groceries.
I make myself a healthy meal, then work out.
One hour of writing and one hour of reading.
I turn the lights off and fall asleep with a big smile on my face.
I couldn’t have done more.
I gave my all.
I feel amazing, on top of the world.
A perfect day.
I have them sometimes, about once a week.
On other days, I wake up at 7:30.
I don’t work out, my shower is hot, my podcast is music, social media fucks with my flow and I don’t get my work done.
I don’t read, I don’t write.
I order take-out and watch Netflix.
But I still sleep like a baby.
It’s okay to not always have perfect days.
It’s okay to not always be on top of Motivation Mountain.
We tend to think of motivation as a tireless source of driving intrinsic energy and we get confused when we lose it, when we feel unmotivated.
But motivation is not a sprint, it’s a marathon.
It’s not giving up on trying to have perfect days.

To sum things up: don’t be a fucking loser, you loser.


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