‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin and the Age of Trump

While it has been over a year since Donald Trump was inaugurated as the 45th President of the United States, we just so happened to pass another landmark in American history: The 11th anniversary of Wrestlemania 23.

Taking place on April 1, 2007, Wrestlemania 23 was set to be a momentous pay-per-view event. One of the main attractions that had caused the most preemptive stir was match dubbed “Battle of the Billionaires,” where long-time friends Vince McMahon and Donald Trump were set to square off against one another. The fight would see McMahon and Trump fighting from their respective corners, with their professional wrestling representatives — Umaga and Bobby Lashley — doing most of the grappling for them.

Also known as the “hair vs. hair” match, the loser would end up having their head shaved by the winning duo. Due to Trump’s quaff mane being more notorious than McMahon’s, it surprised no one in attendance that Trump won, and was then allowed to lather and shave McMahon’s head.

Yet while it might seem momentous that McMahon’s head was shaved clean by the future 45th POTUS, history was actually laid bare when the special guest referee, none other than the brazenly bald ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin, decided that it was time for him to open a can of unmitigated whoopass.

Austin, who had been referring the match, had been indisposed early on when Umaga had attacked him, causing Vince McMahon’s son, Shane McMahon, to take the ring as a temporary referee. After some time of S. McMahon calling the match in favor of Team McMahon, Austin suddenly reappeared, performing his patented “Stone Cold Stunner” on S. McMahon, retaking his place as the match’s referee. After returning and settling his business, Austin called a fair match, bestowing the rightful victory upon Team Trump.

After celebrating his job as a referee by cracking (smashing) a few cold ones open while standing upon the corner turnbuckle of the ring, Austin suddenly glared back towards Trump, who had playfully tossed aside a beer Austin had handed him. Out of nowhere, ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin lived up to his nickname, acting stone cold while sanctioning a shameless “Stunner” on the helpless future POTUS, leaving him unconscious on the ring.

Ever since the 2016 election, political commentators, bloggers, and all of your family members you begrudgingly added on Facebook have offered an explanation for the presidency of Trump:

  • Because Hillary’s emails
  • Because of The Progressive Regressive Left
  • Because of Obama’s  and Clinton’s remarks that America was “still great”
  • Because Seth Meyers slammed Trump at the 2011 White House Correspondents Dinner, forcing a disgraced Trump to sit silently while Obama and the rest of his liberal cronies laughed at his ridicule
  • Because he believed in the “forgotten men, women” of America
  • Because people of color exist and that makes white people uncomfortable
  • Because of Benghazi
  • Because Trump has a penis, and supposedly uses it (beat that, Hillary)

I will bravely venture to say that all of these commentators and people are in fact wrong.

Donald Trump did not win the presidency because of racism, Hillary Clinton, or people being sick of politicians, no. Trump won the presidency based off of his need to publicly reglue his shattered masculinity after receiving that “Stone Cold Stunner” on April 1, 2007.

A brief look at Trump’s past, statements, and tweets show this to be true. Grabbing women by the pussy, rebuking ‘Little’ Marco Rubio’s claims about his hands, and paying off pornstars through non-disclosure agreements: Trump is a red-blooded, thoroughbred American Man. Receiving that Stunner from ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin —  a man whose catchphrase, Austin 3:16, states that he just, “whipped your ass!” — was a serious blow for Trump. How could he, a self-named billionaire who had abstained from drugs and alcohol for a lifetime, and had lavished himself with so much wealth, been brought down by a hairless drunk wearing a sleeveless-pinstripe shirt? To call it an embarrassment would only undermine the pain that Trump must have felt. Trump was humiliated before the whole World (Wrestling Entertainment, Inc.) that night.  

To act as if we are surprised by Trump’s need to assert his masculinity is to feign complete and utter ignorance. We all saw it coming. What seemed like a bit of fun — further emboldening the Celebrity that was Donald Trump, turned into the traitorous efforts not unlike the events in Henry V. And although briefly incapacitated, like Henry V, Trump uncovered the ploy laid out against him — to dethrone “The Don.” From the ashes he rose, his masculinity greater than ever before. Unnamed sources have reported that during his eventful 2016 presidential announcement, where Trump carefully stepped onto an escalator and gavantly rode it to the bottom, that he could be heard whispering to himself, “Once more unto the breach, dear friends.”

The rest is history: vicious hand waving, run-on sentences, making fun of the handicapped, complaining about Mexico and China, calling for his supporters to commit violent acts against protesters at his rallies — you know, things you’d expect from both a Man and the President.

Could you imagine if Ronald Reagan had taken one of ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage’s “Flying Elbow Drops” during his second term? Reagan’s need to reaffirm his stunned masculinity would have lead to a modern-day President Mecha-Reagan, fighting the current opioid epidemic from the Oval Office with his impressive robot body.

If there is anyone to blame for Trump’s presidency, it is none other than ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin. His roguish actions during Wrestlemania 23 created a Man hellbent on masculine vengeance, who knew that only becoming President of the United States would rehabilitate his masculine image. So the next time you want to point a finger at someone for the Age of Trump, don’t point it at your senile, bed-wetting grandfather. Rather, point it towards the bare-chested bald guy in the wrestling ring who’s crushing beer cans while wearing a black speedo and matching black leather vest.   

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