Why Must You Make Daddy Hit You?

I’ve told you this time and time again: you’ll be protected from Daddy’s wrath only when you stop criticizing his blatantly abusive actions. You might think it’s your job as the eldest sibling to stand up to him, but let it be known that neither myself nor Daddy appreciate the way you speak about him.

Daddy has done so much for our family, and he expects to receive congratulations and admiration on a minute-by-minute basis. But you couldn’t ever give him that, could you? No, you just sit on your high horse and lambaste everything he has ever done, as if you don’t even care that he’s the head of the household. It should come as no surprise that Daddy wants to beat you. Your attitude thus far has been deserving of it.

There are so many things you just couldn’t let slide: when Daddy mocked your physically disabled brother in front of our party guests; when Daddy told that young woman he wanted to snatch her snatch; when Daddy makes .gifs of him abusing you and shares them with other families as a joke; when Daddy claims your friend Javier doesn’t belong in this country and wants him deported; when Daddy barges in on your female friends while they’re changing into their swimsuits and says he’s just checking to make sure they’re alright; when Daddy said Mr. Salmon—the man who beheaded his neighbor with a handsaw—should have done a better job at covering up the evidence of the murder from the police. Why can’t you just keep your mouth shut? This is our family, and there is no room for criticism here. It is both rude, and infantile, to think you that you could criticize Daddy and not receive some form of abuse in return.

Sure, I had my suspicions about Daddy from the start of our relationship, but I knew that his masculine bravado could only bring our family to great heights. And then you came along. Won’t let anything slip past you, huh? No, Daddy never gets a fair chance with you; you’re always poking and prodding, thinking that it’s just peachy-keen to be the PC Police. Well listen close, Bucko, Daddy is a great man, and he deserves some R-E-S-P-E-umm (which one is it?)-C-T.

Let me say this loud and clear: you’re dividing this family, all because you can’t give Daddy the veneration he deserves. Remember when he won us all that money on the stock market and lost it all, and then some, at the casino while playing penny slots? It was pretty nice to have some spending money for a week. Yet all you could do was bitch about how he should have been smarter with our money.

How about when Daddy farted in his hand and made the neighbors smell it? That was not only funny, but it taught them a lesson about respect. Sure, they moved away and told us to go fuck ourselves, but now we’ve got a vacant house next door that allows for even more privacy, meaning no one is around to protect you from Daddy’s abuse.

There was that one time when Daddy walked around outside with toilet paper stuck to the back of his foot? Now, that was an orchestrated joke on his part, something he obviously knew would get a laugh. But not only did you laugh, you aggrandized him for it, saying he was making a farce of our household and family. Do you know how bad you made him feel about himself?

What about the time he invited that friend of his over that acted like a cowboy and flirted with your younger sister? That was all a joke! Daddy knew what he was doing, and he knew that his friend was a good man. Sure, he might have had the hots for girls a little too young for him, but his character was impeccable. And what did you do? You said Daddy was disgusting and kicked the poor, disheveled, half-erect man out of our home. Daddy was devastated. He couldn’t believe you’d treat him so unfairly.

And now here you are, weeping and rubbing your injuries all because Daddy is upset with you. You know, those bruises tell a story: they show just how unfair you’ve been to Daddy all along. And now you want to cry about a pipe bomb being left in your room. Get over yourself. You’re lucky Daddy didn’t just take you outside and shoot you in the middle of the street.  

2 thoughts on “Why Must You Make Daddy Hit You?

    1. Thanks, Jack.
      I wholly agree with the sentiment that far too many people grow up in situations like this. I’m still unsure whether I find this funny; however, I thought it was worthwhile to write to highlight just how bizarre things have gotten in this country–if one could even imagine it getting even worse.

      Like

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