13 Ways You Can Save the Earth, as Offered by an Oil Tycoon

I’m an Oil Tycoon, been at it for three decades following in the footsteps of my pa, my grandpa, and my grandpapa. People have been complaining about my kind for some time now, blaming us for the rapid growth of climate change. While my family has received a lot of flack over the years, I do appreciate the way the politicians and media organizations whose pockets I line approach the climate issue: by blaming everyone but me, saying that you could be doing more to improve the environment each and every day: stop using plastic straws, drive a Prius, recycle more often, go vegan, buy your food from local farmers, etc..

It’s nice to know that the blame is being shifted elsewhere. For that reason, I’m here to offer more ways in which you, as a middle/lower-class citizen, can make individual changes to help save the earth:

  1. Get your friends and extended family together and tie yourselves to as many trees as possible to reduce deforestation;
  2. Donate the meager cents that remain from each of your paychecks to animal sanctuaries and nature conservancy groups;
  3. Purchase as many Klean Kanteens and Nalgene water bottles as you can, particularly because I own a decent amount of stock in both companies;
  4. Stop using your welfare checks to pay for cigarettes, whose filters are non-degradable and are ruining the environment;
  5. Stop being greedy by driving by yourself to work and carpool with all of your loser, low-income friends;
  6. Accept that you’re a filthy peasant and stop showering to conserve water;
  7. Stop driving to the store to do your shopping and purchase all items directly from Amazon (my human-hunting buddy Jeff Bezos would greatly appreciate it);
  8. Act as if you’re living prior to the 20th-century and rely solely on candles that you melted and molded yourself;
  9. Offer up your basement or living room as a place for bears to safely hibernate during the winter;
  10. Rely on alternative forms of energy, even if it means hooking up a power-driven generator to a treadmill and having Grandpa Arthur power it throughout his last few years of life;
  11. Just buy a more energy-efficient house;
  12. Purchase an extremely expensive bidet so you can stop using so much toilet paper following your messy bowel movements caused by your awful, McDonald’s-laden diet; and
  13. Stop being a lazy asshole and realize that everything is your fault.

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