20 Ways in Which You Can Save the Earth, as Offered by an Oil Tycoon

I’m an Oil Tycoon—a blue collar kind of guy . Been at it for four decades just like my pa, my pop pop, and my pep pep. People complain about my kind, blaming us for the decline of the earth. But they’re missing the big picture. While my family has received a lot of flack, I appreciate the way that politicians and media organizations approach the climate issue: by realizing that you could do so much more to improve the environment. 

It’s nice to know that I can rest easy, live with a clean conscience while everyone else bears the burden of ongoing climate disasters. For that reason, I’m here to offer more ways in which you, a middle- to lower-class citizen, can make more individual changes to help save the earth:

  1. Reduce deforestation by getting your family and friends together and tying yourselves to as many trees as possible.
  2. Donate the meager cents that remain from each of your paychecks to animal sanctuaries, nature conservancy groups, and the Libertarian think tank I co-founded with my brother, a fellow oil tycoon.
  3. Refuse to buy single-use plastic water bottles and instead purchase as many Klean Kanteens and Nalgene water bottles as you can, as I own a decent amount of stock in both companies.
  4. Stop using your welfare checks to pay for cigarettes, whose filters are non-degradable and are ruining the environment.
  5. Go vegan, even if it means relying on vegan snack foods like Oreos, Swedish Fish, and Sour Patch Kids—remember your diet should reflect the whole rainbow.
  6. Carpool to work with all your loser, low-income friends rather than driving alone like a selfish person.
  7. Ban all plastic straws, as they are bad for dolphins—you’d be better off spilling your 64 oz soft drink all over your doughy titties than actually drinking it, anyways.
  8. Accept that you’re a filthy peasant and stop showering to conserve water.
  9. Stop driving to the store to do your shopping and purchase all items directly from Amazon (my golfing buddy Jeff Bezos would greatly appreciate it).
  10. Act as if you’re living prior to the 20th-century and light your non-mansion home solely with candles that you melted and molded yourself.
  11. Ditch your car for a Prius, and if not a Prius then a bicycle, and if not a bicycle then rollerblades, and if not rollerblades then a scooter, and if not a scooter then just walk everywhere, and if you’re crippled you can go fuck yourself.
  12. Buy local produce every week, even if one of my many companies has caused the water in your town to become tainted by extreme levels of lead and required all crops to be treated with dangerous pesticides to combat excessive heat and drought brought about by our consistent production of oil.
  13. If you forgot to bring a reusable mug to your favorite coffee shop, ask the barista to pour your prepared drink directly into your mouth, cupped hands, or pockets.
  14. Offer up your basement or living room as a place for bears to safely hibernate during the winter.
  15. Recycle whenever possible—if you ever forget, have one of your twenty roommates dole out thirty lashes for each item you threw out.
  16. Rely on alternative forms of energy, even if it means hooking up a power-driven generator to a treadmill and forcing Grandpa Francis to power it throughout his pitiful retirement years.
  17. Along with eating your Tinder date’s ass, consider eating cow’s asses, too, as you can help to keep too much methane from congregating in the atmosphere.
  18. Just sell your home for one that is more energy efficient.
  19. Purchase an extremely expensive bidet so you can stop using so much toilet paper following your messy bowel movements caused my your awful, McDonald’s-laden diet.
  20. Stop being a self-righteous, lazy asshole and realize that everything is your fault.

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